


Can You Feel the Silence

by thedoctahswife



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Yowzah, twelveriver
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 23:46:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7778335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedoctahswife/pseuds/thedoctahswife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place after the 12th doctor loses River to the library and becomes reckless, not wanting to feel the pain of losing River.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can You Feel the Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :)

Day One:

It was the most dreaded day. The day he had to say goodbye. Goodbye to the one person who understood and loved him. 

He sat at River’s office desk she had in their house on Darillium. Her glass of water was left in the corner of her desk, stained red from the lipstick she must have worn when drinking it. It was one of his favorite shades of red, it complimented her golden, smooth skin. Her lips looked as if they were kissed by a thousand suns. 

He remembers the last time she had sat here, fussing teasingly at him for distracting her (which he ended up successfully doing) while trying to focus on her work. He could remember her bright red cheeks and how her curls sat against her face in golden wisps, making her green eyes seem even brighter than what they were. Those eyes that were filled with magic, making any thoughts that clouded his mind completely disappear into a void of the unknown. All that mattered in those moments were her. He remembered how her small, slim fingers ever so gracefully wrapped around her water glass. She touched everything so delicately. She was the embodiment of grace and beauty, intertwined with mystery as well as a naughty side that he always enjoyed.

He was caught off guard realizing that he had begun to cry, distracted by a tear that had fallen against his cheek, quickly wiping it away. The first time he had come close to crying was the first night they were here. He didn't want to come. Ever. Trenzalore, it was the place he thought he dreaded the most, but it was nothing compared to the moments leading up to coming here on Darillium. He remembered the feeling…it was as if there was this hole in the pit of his stomach and hearts that kept getting bigger and deeper within him as days passed.

His fingers brushed over the books that laid on her desk, a line created where the thick layer of dust had been resting. His fingers toyed around with the books before opening the cover of the book closest to him. “Darillium: The History of the Towers.” He laughed quietly to himself. She was trying to find out how the towers had gotten there. He kept telling her to go back in the TARDIS, but she wanted to do the research on her own without time travel. 

His weary eyes wandered around her office, hoping that he'd find a sign that she was still there. There was nothing. Only Silence. He hadn't realized how much he loved this office. It was a constant reminder of her. The room smelt of old books that were recorded with the history of universes, galaxies, and well…him. The shelves were filled with her books and papers all now collecting a thick layer of dust that would only grow more and more as the years of neglect weathered upon them. 

His attention was grabbed by her jacket that she’d thrown on to one of her chairs. He slowly reached out to grab the jacket that she used to wear while out on an expedition. It was well worn, faded from the heat of desert suns that used to constantly beat upon it. He slowly brought the fabric close to his nose, moving as though it could kill him if he moved too quickly. He took a deep breath in and his nose was instantly filled with reminders of her. The sweet, tangy scent of her perfume still slightly lingered, mixed with what could only be dust and a bit of sweat. Each of the scents bringing back many memories of the finite moments they spent together. Her perfume: a reminder of all the times he would bring her out on dates, her in those heels, and the love that they would share at the end of the night. The Dust and Sweat: a reminder of all the running and magnificent adventures that they used to share, the sweat reminding him of the marvelous nights they'd spent together, making love in a hot tangled mess. 

He slowly set the jacket down, standing up as he looked around a room that was filled with memories of his wife. His hearts ached at the thought that he wouldn't be able to share memories with her any longer.

 

River’s absence tormented him on the inside, a constant emptiness now nagged his hearts to the point of him just wanting to rip them out and calling it a day, head back to the TARDIS and lock up for the rest of eternity. But he didn’t. He needed to get his mind off of this pain that pressed deeply against his soul.

 

Day Two:

A shot from a light ray nearly skimmed the top of his head as he ran, ducking behind a large rock that had fallen. He froze as he saw someone next to him “Are you the enemy?” he asked

“You’d be dead by now if I was, mate.” The stranger replied.

The Doctor nodded. “Right…so any plan to get out of this hell hole?” He muttered silently.

“Not one bit.”

The Doctor huffed, of course the chap didn’t. “Alright…well, if we can make it one to the next boulder alive…which is over there…” he mumbled, pointing to the side of him. “we should be able to both get back to the main area where they have actual coverage.”

The stranger nodded. “How do I know I can trust you?”

“You’ll just have to believe me.” 

The stranger nodded again, Popping his head slightly around the rock to see. “we have to go now.” he said, the doctor and himself quickly getting up and making run for the next large rock covering. As they ran, many shots from the light rays of the enemy were fired. Right as they reached the rock, a ray grazed the doctors shoulder, his opposite hand instantly clutching his shoulder as he made it to safety.

“You okay?” The Stranger asked.

“Yeah…just a graze on my arm, nothing major.”

 

About 8 hours later, the time lord finally stumbled into his TARDIS. Grey tufts of his hair were strewn in all different directions, different spots on his clothing slightly burnt and torn from being shot at, and his face caked on with dirt. 

He’d just helped win one of the major turning point battles in fight for a new home of for the humans. He shouldn't have gotten involved but he couldn't help himself, the adrenaline was the only thing that kept him going, keeping his mind off of the throbbing pain deep within his chest. 

The TARDIS hummed disapprovingly at him, a huff instantly escaping his lips.

“What would you like me to do?” He asked gruffly. “I can’t stop…if I do I don't know if I will Ever be able to get going again…I mean did you see what happened with Amy and Rory? I can’t let it happen again.” He said as he typed in coordinates to the on the console, flying himself to the most chaotic time periods he could think of. Each second he spent not running slowed him down, his mind flooding with sorrow the instant he thought of her. 

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

 

Day 913(about two and a half years later):

It was still constant running. Almost three years later and he still refused to stop and mourn his wife. He knew the second he did it would hurt too much. He didn't want to hurt, not for her. It would make the fact that she was gone all too real. He knew she was gone, but at least this way he could keep his mind off of it. He sometimes hoped and almost prayed that she would walk in on the most chaotic situation possible and yell at him about how stupid and reckless he was being while he would totally ignore her. Instead he would look at how gorgeous his wife would look as she saved him once again. But it never happened. Not once. Yet he still continued to hold on to the possibility of her return.

The only enemy of his he hadn't messed with, until today, was the Daleks. He had hidden himself between two panels of a Dalek ship, not knowing where his TARDIS was located. He found himself caught up in a war between the Daleks and the Aggaritroxi, a people group who wanted nothing more but to fight for their homeland that the Daleks threatened to take away.

He carefully opened the metal panel, looking around for a moment before climbing out, making his way down the hallway. He looked around, being a bit careless to whether anyone saw him now or not. He raised his eyebrows “hmm…looks like they've got themselves a new ship..” he muttered.

“NON-DALEK LIFE FORM DETECTED” He heard from down the hallway, not good, he thought. He quickly ran down the corridor, turning a corner and running into a room, not looking around him, only looking out the single window hole on the door to see if they'd followed him. Before breathing out a sigh of relief, he turned to find he was not as alone as he thought, but rather he found himself in a room, surrounded by at least 75 Daleks.There was one Dalek above the rest in the middle of the group, its outer shell more metallic and newer looking with a shine to it, he supposed it was the commander or general or whatever of this ship.

“Right then….guess this is a bit awkward for everyone…well…mostly me, considering you're all going to start shouting ‘Exterminate’ in less than a few minutes.” He said.

“The Doctor will be EXTERMINATED.” A Dalek cried.

“I will not…you See, that's what I’m talking about, can’t ever get this lot to ever stop yelling…anyways-“

“The Doctor will-“

“Yes! I know! I will be exterminated. Will you shut up!” He said. “Why are you even here… this area is a neutral zone, you've broken every galactic law and proclamation by just coming here, there are a lot far better planets to concur than this one.” He said. 

“The Aggaritroxi are with little emotions. They will become like us.” The commander of the Daleks stated.

“Again, you've gotten the whole universe angry with you…but you know…despite them having little emotions, they are a caring and quite humble group…and you're going to take that from them…didn’t even know you could convert life forms like them” He said.

“We have improved.” The Dalek said.

“Improved? you call that improving? Learning how to now take other innocent life forms and make them like you?” He asked as he walked around bit, as if this were his own stage.

“We will conquer the universe. We will make the universe perfect.”

The Doctor laughed slightly out of amusement. 

“Right…I’m sure you will… if you call extracting all emotions except hate and turning everyone into jelly blobs is perfect…sorry to tell you boys-or whatever- it's not going to happen.” he said 

“Explain!” The Dalek yelled.

The doctor nodded “Explain…okay…well you see you are always going to fail…none of you ever get it…do you? Your creator, Davros, he got it wrong all those years ago when he made you. You're nothing but big, metal salt and pepper shakers who are just filled with hate. Again, Davros got it wrong as do you, as do the bloody cybermen and half the other space idiots whizzing about out there. You think that getting rid of emotions or only feeling hate and anger gives you an upper hand on situations- but news flash it doesn’t! You are so Stupid! When has anything or anyone led by any sort of hate ever truly won- because I’ve seen it all…and it seems to me that you to keep losing, especially against me!” He said. “You know- instead of simply finding a way to communicate with the humans, species like the Vashta Nerada decided to take matters into their own hands and kill everyone-but luckily a very smart data base literally saved everyone by uploading them..but in the when it came to someone saving them my bloody wife had to go and save everyone like she always does! She saved them and saved me. She was innocent..she didn't deserve it- she was saving other innocents from species like you. And Now she's living out her days uploaded in the same computer without me-both of us now living in what feels like hell….” He said, his voice on the verge of breaking as he walked around the room, this wasn't the place he had wanted or need this to happen. “I don't deserve this!” He yelled. “After all I do for this Damn Universe-After every life and planet and galaxy I have saved- I don't deserve this! All I asked was for happiness and I had it - I had her! And now she is gone and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it! And its all because of you stupid idiots running around the universe thinking that your ways of war is always the right way! So tell me Daleks-When was the last bloody time you have stopped me? Because I would love to know?! You create chaos and run out like crying children and I am there by myself left to deal with the damage you've caused! So- I need you and all the empty minded beings of the universe to just think of who defeats and stops you every single time because you think that nothing but hate and complete universal domination is the right way to go. It hasn't worked for you now and it never will.” He said “And you know… you have all really got to learn not to let me walk around and distract you at the same time…” he Said as he moved to the main panel of the room, quickly sending out a distress call to his TARDIS and setting a self-destruct to the Daleks ship all while he had talked.

The moment his TARDIS materialized he rushed in, closing the doors quickly behind him. The TARDIS, without question, flew him off away from the ship. He pressed his back up against the doors, his eyes stinging from the tears that had built up. He looked around the TARDIS his hearts filling with a rage that had been built up. He went to the console, leaning forward against it for a moment before his hands curled into a fist, lifting it up and slamming it against the console. Tears streamed softly down his cheeks, letting out a growling noise. 

“Tell me what I Have done! I save this universe every day and what do I get in return? I get the one person who could understand and fully trust me taken away! Ripped from me-“ His voice cracking as he sat against the floor, his body overtaken by grief, his body gently slumping against the console.

He shuts his eyes, his eyes feeling heavy, small tears gently escaping from underneath the closed lids of his eyes. 

“River…” he whispered, his voice hindered with a deep heartache, one that he'd never truly felt before until now.

River

Oh that woman, she had stolen his hearts from the beginning but he just hadn't known it.

Such a beautiful name- a name that had brought him so much joy, but now filled his hearts with anguish.

He longed to be able to feel that soft gentle warmth she emitted when she was close. He longed to have his arms wrapped around her and to feel her majestic, golden curls brush up against his nose. He longed for that familiar scent of flowers that only belong to her. He longed to hear her tender yet vibrant voice, telling him that he was being a stupid, sentimental idiot. He longed to hear her laugh, not even caring that it was probably her teasing him for something he’d done. He longed to feel her slender fingers brush his hair back when she felt like his hair was being unruly. 

He slowly opened his eyes, his hearts sinking when he saw the TARDIS empty, hoping that he would see his wife standing in front of him. But there was no one-just a cold and cruel emptiness, his eyes shutting quickly once more.

Just a man in his lonely blue box.

 

 

 

The En-

 

Warmth. 

Her Warmth.

His hearts caught in his throat, feeling as if a brick were blocking the flow of air to his lungs. 

Was he just imagining this?

He dared not open his eyes, for fear of greater disappointment.

A Kiss

A kiss against his forehead, recognizing the feeling and shape of the kiss. A hand pressed up against his cheek moving to gently cradle the back of his head, pressing him up against her chest. A hand that slowly ran its fingers through his hair, gently holding him close, as if trying to help his pain go away.

He stayed like this for a moment, trying to understand what was happening. 

He opened his eyes as slowly as he could, tears still softly falling down his cheeks. His eyes opened to see a golden river of curls flowing next to him as his head stayed pressed against her chest.

He slowly lifted his head to look at her, his eyes still filled with sadness and regret.

“Hello, Sweetie..”

“How?” He barely croaked out.

“You called and I came…I can always hear you…” She whispered calmly as her hand gently stroked over his cheek.

“How-How are you here?” he asked again in utter disbelief, wondering if it was just his mind playing tricks on him.

“You will figure it out-how to bring me back…but for now…Spoilers…” She whispered.

She was real and she was here.

His warmth.

His guiding light.

His Hearts.

His Melody.

His River.


End file.
